A Very Drunken Christmas: Sneak Preview

A Very Drunken Christmas is on!

Yeah, so much for that...

Mine is poison and sin, mine own damnation.
I am in waiting for the second coming of nothing.
Until I can descend into eternity I wait and I bleed.
I bleed hate.
I am sadness. I am anger, and I am misery.
I want it to spread.
I want to prophesy the evil.
I want to foretell the fate of the poisoned soul.
I want to spill the blood of the innocent.
I want the streets to run red.
I want to burn it all to the ground
I want to burn it all
I want to burn
I want to burn
It's my apocalypse

Good Morning

I've been so negative and gloomy for the past while that I've even got on my own damn nerves.
Hi, I'm Ben, my life sucks, waaaaaa!!!!! Boooooo hoooooooo, I'm depressed, blah, blah, blah...

No sir. It's all smiles and positivity from me from now on.
I've got a plan, and I'm going to execute it. And things are bright and cheery on my side of the pond.

Good Morning!

Good Night

In this life I'm me, Just sitting here alone and by the way I tried to say I'd be there For you Walk beside an emptiness That leads me by my hands And throw away
What I don't understand, as a man Who really know what rights all the wrongs anyway Who really cares what people do or say No matter where this life takes me Ill never let it compromise To much luck to bet it on do or die And I wonder as I tear away my skin It's taken me so long to stitch These wounds from where I've been And mother please don't bury me I'm hanging for my life It's hard to say that I would be complete Before I die Lived by the rules you that you gave me and fell apart All the wrong turns down a dead end street so far I stretched my wings and breath in different day Alone and broken is the price I pay But that's ok Don't you worry please Don't you leave me Because I slowly slip away Because I've seen everything that I could see And now I can say goodbye today With all I know Its time I said goodbye Today is a good day to die I fall away into Love, hate sex, and pain It's complicating me sometimes This love hate sex pain Is underestimating life Its time I said goodbye Today is a good day to die

Honestly

Throw away my dreams
This fight for my life isn't getting behind me
And I've been told to scream
Where no one can hear me, it doesn't mean nothing

So make me believe
Just take me away from this hell I've created
And I'm afraid
I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down in flames

I know this can't be right
There's got to be something more that I can live for
And I can only hide
Inside of this sickness for so long again

So make me believe
Just take me away from this hell I've created
And I'm afraid
I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down

Make me believe
Just take me away from temptation that's calling me
And I'm afraid
I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down in flames

Running in circles
Confusion is calling my name
Hiding inside of this poisoning madness again
I'm tired, I'm broken
I'm walking along with the dead
Will I ever feel like I once did?

So make me...

Make me believe
Just take me away from this hell I've created
And I'm afraid
I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down

Make me believe
Make me believe
Make me believe
I'm breaking my own vows, knowing I'll go down in flames

Comatose

One more step and I could fall away
If it happened would it matter
And I can't tell if I should go or stay.
Same old picture feels so hollow.
How can anybody know what's best for me
Another page I turn in shame.
And my decisions brought me to my knees,
I needed someone to blame.

I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow
Time to do what's best for me I believe I can change.

Once upon a time in broken dreams.
Reflections that I can't face.
So hold your breath and make a wish for me.
Take me to a better place.
Time always seems to be passing by
It never waits for me
If I could do it all one more time, I wouldn't change a thing.

I feel so hollow, I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow, I feel so hollow

Time to do what's best for me I believe I can change.

Exit Wounds

Why would I fight with all my everything if I don't want what I stand to gain? Why should I push through and persevere and try harder and look on the bright side when I don't want what that will bring? Why stand up and fight for something I don't want?
I'm closing the door. I'm burning out the sun. If I can't have what I want and what I can have I don't want, then I'm turning it off. I'm finished. Hit the delete button, bust out the eraser. Smother another failure.
You, my dear, can live with it. You can have everything it brings. And you can push it to the back of your brain and you can justify and bargain and compromise with yourself and I can just not care. You can have what you obviously so desperately want. And you can explain in 15 years.

Set Me Free

Ok. Here we go. I'm just gonna spell it out for anybody that gives a crap.

I have very complicated feelings about my divorce and about my son. I feel like there is my instinct in one corner and adulthood in another. I feel like I was completely to blame and at the same time getting totally screwed. I feel like I want to fix it and at the same time I want to burn it to the ground. I want to love and I want to hate and I want to do both at the same time. It's over. The easiest thing and the best thing for me is for me to step back and shrug it off and let everything roll off. That's what is really best for everybody. I feel like a second class blue collar nobody never was that won't ever amount to anything. I feel like a child and I feel like a loser. I also feel like a real man who can do some real things and is destined for success. Bipolar. I have very complicated feelings about my divorce and about my son. And I have no idea how to work those feelings out. Because:

I hate myself. I hate myself because I have acted like a turd for as long as I can remember. I have dug myself a giant hole. And now I sit in that hole completely alone, with nobody. I push people away and I hate and I isolate and now that I've succeeded in doing these things, I want somebody. I need somebody. But I will never have anybody because:

I am crazy. Insane. Need medication kind of crazy. Anxiety. Depression. Anger. So much anger. Addictive personality. I could quite easily nosedive into nothingness. What does it feel like to be homeless?

I want so badly to burn the past to the ground. To watch it all burn and to watch the ashes blow away in the wind. I want so badly to disappear and to start anew somewhere else where nobody knows me. But I can't forget myself.

So, what happens now? If you know me, I have one favor to ask of you. Please start from the beginning. Wipe my slate clean. I have killed myself. And I am new again.

I want to start it all over. I want to be sober. I want to be sane. And I want to build it all again, anew. There is no yesterday.

140.6

Ok fine. How about this:

I am smiling. I am a rock. I woke up today because the sun was shining. I'm up and out of it now. And I'm here to stay. Hello.

There are strengths in my weakness, and I can exploit them. It's going to happen now.

My teeth are showing. There's music in my heart. Confidence.

And positivity. Most of all positivity. It's not so dark in here anymore. Because I'm always carrying a flashlight with me now.

Spiral Out

I'm the biggest goddamn pessimist you will ever meet. And cynical. Holy God, am I cynical. Tell me anything, give me any piece of good news and I will stomp on it and ruin it and I will make you hurt and cry and I will likely enjoy it. I hate it. I hate it more than you do. My veins pulse with anger, my heart beats hatred. My brain is rage, my mind is always red. I can't do a goddamn thing about it either. I hate it. I hate my insides and I want to pull them out through my head and I want to throw them away and I want to watch them burn. I want to watch it all burn. I know where I'm going, and I know it's not going to be pretty. And what else? I'm goddamn crazy too. Off the deep end insane. I like the taste of Jameson. And I like the way it makes me feel. I could see myself going down that path. And I could see myself chasing myself the whole way down that path, yelling at myself to come back all the while sprinting in the wrong direction. It's what I've done my entire life. There's two of us in here. One is perfection. The other is in control. I am my own battle. I am Adam & Eve & the serpent, and I'm the fucking apple too. I am good vs. evil. It's here. It's inside me. I am plagued, and I don't know what to do. I need to reach over and hit the goddamn reset button. But there is none. But you better believe there's a fucking power off button. I just need to be pushed one more inch and then I can finally reach it.

Please

A droplet quenches my thirst
A nibble satisfies my hunger
One small minute ray of sunshine brightens my day, lights my world
A small scrap of cloth warms me in the dead of winter
A single cent is my fortune
A crack is my grand canyon
It might mean nothing to no one but me, but I think it the world
My heart flutters. My world pauses. My soul brightens. My spirits lift.

This is love. This is real. Let me give it to you.

truth

Yes, I believe in God, and I know that Jesus Christ died for man's sins. And, yes, I'm familiar with the redemption and forgiveness and being born again theory. It sounds real nice.
I also believe that there is a serpent inside of me that I cannot control. I believe that my particular soul is poisoned, is tainted. We can't all be winners people. There is Hell that lives inside of me; fire, not blood, pulses through my veins.
I can worship and fellowship and patron and pray all I want, but I cannot bring myself back to life. My soul inside me is poisoned and tainted and tarnished and dead.
I am nothing.
And I still believe that I cannot be saved.
An overwhelming anxiety and uncontrollable fear prevents me from seeking.
And worst of all, pain is my heroine. I need to have it inside of me to feel right. And I need to spread it amongst my fellow man. Misery loves company. I need to hurt to breathe.
I pain, and I inhale, and I pain and I exhale. And without suffer I cannot breathe. Hate is fuel, is oxygen, is my everything.

I will not be saved because I cannot be saved because I cannot repent because I am not sorry because my sins bring me sick pleasure because the serpent inside me thrives on the hate and the anger that I breed.
The End

The Hole

Nothing
No movement
Still
It will beat no longer
No one
Death
Fire
This solitary hell
I cut and I bleed
And I can't
And I won't
It's over
Bury me inside my personal nothingness
I am no more
I never was

The Whole

A whirlwind
Flurry
Yes
Can
Will
The joy
My everything
It's here, and I will make it stay
This world is mine. Make me king
I have
Love
Life
Heart
Here. Inside me
I'm alive

Snuff

Explain these experiences to me
Describe these sensations, make me some sense of them
Don't leave me alone to feel for myself
Take my hand
Lead me.
Somewhere.
Bring me to where you want me to be and introduce me to myself
Fill my head with the white and with the light.
Tell me what I am thinking, and teach me what I feel.

Alone I wither and I decay. I rot from the inside.

Pick me up and hold me towards the heavens.
Show me the light of day.
Lead me along your path, for mine ends only in fire. I burn.

Douse these flames
Take this life

The Fog

It clouds my judgement and it impairs my ability to think, to reason or believe, and to even feel. There is a haze inside my head that consumes my brain and devours my soul. Somewhere inside is a man with thoughts and emotions, with hopes and dreams. But he is buried deep beneath the grey. There is compassion and love and there is joy and ambition. But it is paralyzed by the nothingness, by the empty.
In my most coherent moments i think and I feel and I plan and I am alive and well. But in my day to day being I am a zombie, a mindless nothing driven by fear and hate. The fog, the haze, the grey eats away at my heart, my soul, and it consumes the part of me that is alive and human. All that is left is the anger and the hate and the discontent and that is all that is seen on the surface.
I am not me. I am a by-product of my fractured mind. I act on impulse and instinct. Fight or flight. And there is a war waging inside of me. The lucidity versus the fog. The potential versus the haze. The love and the want versus the grey.
I am divided amongst myself, and I cannot win this fight.
I am in pieces inside of myself.

A Message From The Pure Somewhere Still Inside

Hey, Ben:

Help me If you can. It's just that this is not the way I'm wired, so help me understand Why you've given in to woe these reckless dumb desires. You medicated drama queen, picture perfect numb belligerence, you narcissistic drama queen, craving fame and all its decadence. You're lying to yourself again, lying through your teeth again, lying to my face again. Suicidal imbecile, think about it, you're pounding on a fault line. Why would I want to watch you throw it away like this? Such a mess, I'm over this. Why would I want to watch you disconnect and self-destruct, one bullet at a time? What's your hurry? Everyone will have his day to die.

If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere, do it somewhere far away from here.

Sincerely,
What Might Remain

Eleven

I am a follower of lachrymology.
Lachrymology is a philosophy, a religion that embraces pain, and, specifically, its release through crying, as a means to move to a higher state of being. Founded in the 1940s by Ronald P. Vincent.

I am truly an ardent disciple of lachrymology, and not simply someone who has yet to put 46 and 2 together.

The universe is hostile, so impersonal. Devour to survive, so it is, so it's always been

I wake up in the morning and I must choose between going out and killing myself so that I might one day receive life anew, or staying in and passively waiting for the sweet crippling embrace of death at last.

The Happiest Place On Earth

Tomorrow my tiny child and I leave on a jet plane to go to California. What's in California?, you might ask.

Disneyland

Oh, it's gonna be awesome. Yes, I'm taking my toddler son to Disneyland to meet Mickey and Goofy and to ride Space Mountain. Fun will be had, cotton candy will be eaten, and pictures will be taken.

Best part is I get a week off of work to spend with little baby Coleman, who is my favorite person and the only family I have left. I love this little guy so much.

Fifteen

Shine on forever
Shine on, benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on forever
Shine on, benevolent sun
Shine on upon the severed
Shine until the two become one
Divided, I wither away
Divided, I wither away
Shine down upon the many
Light our way, benevolent sun
Silence leach, and save your poison
Silence leach, and stay out of my way

You don't ask someone who has a bear in a headlock how he's doing. You stand by and let him work his way through it.

Therapy

I like to go out in the cold and I like to turn my music way way up so I can't hear myself breathe and I can't hear my feet hit the ground. Running is repetitive and rhythmic, and I shut my brain off for a little tiny while and for a small part of the day, I am sane. Everything I am is forgotten and left behind and all I have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. I feel stress and anxiety and anger and depression leave my body, escape from my soul. I sweat, and it cleanses me.

I am quickly alone inside my head, and the insanity inside me can't keep up so it leaves me for a few moments, and for this short part of the day my thoughts are rational, logical, and lucid. I think about what I once was and what I could have been and what I am today and what I never will be again. I imagine myself in different places doing different things. I picture myself not as I am, but as I desire to be, and as I have all but given up hope of ever being.

With each passing mile, I am that much further away from myself and from this disease inside me, and I am that much closer to becoming human.

Love Letter To My Subconcious

Dear Ben,

For everything you do, I'd like to swallow you
And everyday I'm gonna blame you
Even if you justify
Every fucking bullshit lie,
It only makes me want to break you

When you repeatedly take advantage of me
The only thought I get of you sickens me
Everybody knows you're fake
You're everything I fucking hate
And I'm everything that you could never be

You pull me down and you crucify my name,
You make me insane
It's broken now,
Don't ever look my way,
Don't even think I'm playing

I fucking hate you
You're such a liar
I'd love to hang you
You're all the same to me

Sincerely,
Ben