Good Morning

I've been so negative and gloomy for the past while that I've even got on my own damn nerves.
Hi, I'm Ben, my life sucks, waaaaaa!!!!! Boooooo hoooooooo, I'm depressed, blah, blah, blah...

No sir. It's all smiles and positivity from me from now on.
I've got a plan, and I'm going to execute it. And things are bright and cheery on my side of the pond.

Good Morning!

Good Night

In this life I'm me, Just sitting here alone and by the way I tried to say I'd be there For you Walk beside an emptiness That leads me by my hands And throw away
What I don't understand, as a man Who really know what rights all the wrongs anyway Who really cares what people do or say No matter where this life takes me Ill never let it compromise To much luck to bet it on do or die And I wonder as I tear away my skin It's taken me so long to stitch These wounds from where I've been And mother please don't bury me I'm hanging for my life It's hard to say that I would be complete Before I die Lived by the rules you that you gave me and fell apart All the wrong turns down a dead end street so far I stretched my wings and breath in different day Alone and broken is the price I pay But that's ok Don't you worry please Don't you leave me Because I slowly slip away Because I've seen everything that I could see And now I can say goodbye today With all I know Its time I said goodbye Today is a good day to die I fall away into Love, hate sex, and pain It's complicating me sometimes This love hate sex pain Is underestimating life Its time I said goodbye Today is a good day to die

Honestly

Throw away my dreams
This fight for my life isn't getting behind me
And I've been told to scream
Where no one can hear me, it doesn't mean nothing

So make me believe
Just take me away from this hell I've created
And I'm afraid
I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down in flames

I know this can't be right
There's got to be something more that I can live for
And I can only hide
Inside of this sickness for so long again

So make me believe
Just take me away from this hell I've created
And I'm afraid
I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down

Make me believe
Just take me away from temptation that's calling me
And I'm afraid
I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down in flames

Running in circles
Confusion is calling my name
Hiding inside of this poisoning madness again
I'm tired, I'm broken
I'm walking along with the dead
Will I ever feel like I once did?

So make me...

Make me believe
Just take me away from this hell I've created
And I'm afraid
I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down

Make me believe
Make me believe
Make me believe
I'm breaking my own vows, knowing I'll go down in flames

Comatose

One more step and I could fall away
If it happened would it matter
And I can't tell if I should go or stay.
Same old picture feels so hollow.
How can anybody know what's best for me
Another page I turn in shame.
And my decisions brought me to my knees,
I needed someone to blame.

I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow
Time to do what's best for me I believe I can change.

Once upon a time in broken dreams.
Reflections that I can't face.
So hold your breath and make a wish for me.
Take me to a better place.
Time always seems to be passing by
It never waits for me
If I could do it all one more time, I wouldn't change a thing.

I feel so hollow, I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow, I feel so hollow

Time to do what's best for me I believe I can change.

Exit Wounds

Why would I fight with all my everything if I don't want what I stand to gain? Why should I push through and persevere and try harder and look on the bright side when I don't want what that will bring? Why stand up and fight for something I don't want?
I'm closing the door. I'm burning out the sun. If I can't have what I want and what I can have I don't want, then I'm turning it off. I'm finished. Hit the delete button, bust out the eraser. Smother another failure.
You, my dear, can live with it. You can have everything it brings. And you can push it to the back of your brain and you can justify and bargain and compromise with yourself and I can just not care. You can have what you obviously so desperately want. And you can explain in 15 years.

Set Me Free

Ok. Here we go. I'm just gonna spell it out for anybody that gives a crap.

I have very complicated feelings about my divorce and about my son. I feel like there is my instinct in one corner and adulthood in another. I feel like I was completely to blame and at the same time getting totally screwed. I feel like I want to fix it and at the same time I want to burn it to the ground. I want to love and I want to hate and I want to do both at the same time. It's over. The easiest thing and the best thing for me is for me to step back and shrug it off and let everything roll off. That's what is really best for everybody. I feel like a second class blue collar nobody never was that won't ever amount to anything. I feel like a child and I feel like a loser. I also feel like a real man who can do some real things and is destined for success. Bipolar. I have very complicated feelings about my divorce and about my son. And I have no idea how to work those feelings out. Because:

I hate myself. I hate myself because I have acted like a turd for as long as I can remember. I have dug myself a giant hole. And now I sit in that hole completely alone, with nobody. I push people away and I hate and I isolate and now that I've succeeded in doing these things, I want somebody. I need somebody. But I will never have anybody because:

I am crazy. Insane. Need medication kind of crazy. Anxiety. Depression. Anger. So much anger. Addictive personality. I could quite easily nosedive into nothingness. What does it feel like to be homeless?

I want so badly to burn the past to the ground. To watch it all burn and to watch the ashes blow away in the wind. I want so badly to disappear and to start anew somewhere else where nobody knows me. But I can't forget myself.

So, what happens now? If you know me, I have one favor to ask of you. Please start from the beginning. Wipe my slate clean. I have killed myself. And I am new again.

I want to start it all over. I want to be sober. I want to be sane. And I want to build it all again, anew. There is no yesterday.

140.6

Ok fine. How about this:

I am smiling. I am a rock. I woke up today because the sun was shining. I'm up and out of it now. And I'm here to stay. Hello.

There are strengths in my weakness, and I can exploit them. It's going to happen now.

My teeth are showing. There's music in my heart. Confidence.

And positivity. Most of all positivity. It's not so dark in here anymore. Because I'm always carrying a flashlight with me now.