Ok. Here we go. I'm just gonna spell it out for anybody that gives a crap.
I have very complicated feelings about my divorce and about my son. I feel like there is my instinct in one corner and adulthood in another. I feel like I was completely to blame and at the same time getting totally screwed. I feel like I want to fix it and at the same time I want to burn it to the ground. I want to love and I want to hate and I want to do both at the same time. It's over. The easiest thing and the best thing for me is for me to step back and shrug it off and let everything roll off. That's what is really best for everybody. I feel like a second class blue collar nobody never was that won't ever amount to anything. I feel like a child and I feel like a loser. I also feel like a real man who can do some real things and is destined for success. Bipolar. I have very complicated feelings about my divorce and about my son. And I have no idea how to work those feelings out. Because:
I hate myself. I hate myself because I have acted like a turd for as long as I can remember. I have dug myself a giant hole. And now I sit in that hole completely alone, with nobody. I push people away and I hate and I isolate and now that I've succeeded in doing these things, I want somebody. I need somebody. But I will never have anybody because:
I am crazy. Insane. Need medication kind of crazy. Anxiety. Depression. Anger. So much anger. Addictive personality. I could quite easily nosedive into nothingness. What does it feel like to be homeless?
I want so badly to burn the past to the ground. To watch it all burn and to watch the ashes blow away in the wind. I want so badly to disappear and to start anew somewhere else where nobody knows me. But I can't forget myself.
So, what happens now? If you know me, I have one favor to ask of you. Please start from the beginning. Wipe my slate clean. I have killed myself. And I am new again.
I want to start it all over. I want to be sober. I want to be sane. And I want to build it all again, anew. There is no yesterday.
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incoherent. inappropriate. non-sensical. non-sequitor. rambling. offensive. off-putting. immature. un-educated. not worth your time.
4 comments:
Things have to be completely broken down before they can be rebuilt the way the Designer originally intended. You have an opportunity before you...
we all have things we have done that we wish we could change.let this be a chance to grow and learn from what you've been thru.maybe this was all practice for when you do find the one meant for you.ok i'm gonna be "gay" for a minute and tell you how much i love you and i am proud of the man you are still becoming.god has a plan for each of us and we need to trust that he knows what he's doing.
Ben, you brought tears to my eyes with your feelings. You are not alone. I have been in your shoes and though it feels like you will never find how to move on, you take it one day at a time. Unfortunely, we do not get do-overs but we do get the opportunity to learn and become a better person for it. The choice it yours and I am here for you if you ever do need to talk. By the way, you have a handsome son who is your clean slate.
Ben, I soooooo ditto what Mechelle and Misty said!!! We have all done things we totally wished we could take back, bury, burn, hide, forget, atone!!! This is no dress rehearsal, this is the real thing. We have a God that loves us and forgives us. You have no idea how much you mean to us all, how much we love you, how precious you are!!!!
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