Exit Wounds

Why would I fight with all my everything if I don't want what I stand to gain? Why should I push through and persevere and try harder and look on the bright side when I don't want what that will bring? Why stand up and fight for something I don't want?
I'm closing the door. I'm burning out the sun. If I can't have what I want and what I can have I don't want, then I'm turning it off. I'm finished. Hit the delete button, bust out the eraser. Smother another failure.
You, my dear, can live with it. You can have everything it brings. And you can push it to the back of your brain and you can justify and bargain and compromise with yourself and I can just not care. You can have what you obviously so desperately want. And you can explain in 15 years.

Set Me Free

Ok. Here we go. I'm just gonna spell it out for anybody that gives a crap.

I have very complicated feelings about my divorce and about my son. I feel like there is my instinct in one corner and adulthood in another. I feel like I was completely to blame and at the same time getting totally screwed. I feel like I want to fix it and at the same time I want to burn it to the ground. I want to love and I want to hate and I want to do both at the same time. It's over. The easiest thing and the best thing for me is for me to step back and shrug it off and let everything roll off. That's what is really best for everybody. I feel like a second class blue collar nobody never was that won't ever amount to anything. I feel like a child and I feel like a loser. I also feel like a real man who can do some real things and is destined for success. Bipolar. I have very complicated feelings about my divorce and about my son. And I have no idea how to work those feelings out. Because:

I hate myself. I hate myself because I have acted like a turd for as long as I can remember. I have dug myself a giant hole. And now I sit in that hole completely alone, with nobody. I push people away and I hate and I isolate and now that I've succeeded in doing these things, I want somebody. I need somebody. But I will never have anybody because:

I am crazy. Insane. Need medication kind of crazy. Anxiety. Depression. Anger. So much anger. Addictive personality. I could quite easily nosedive into nothingness. What does it feel like to be homeless?

I want so badly to burn the past to the ground. To watch it all burn and to watch the ashes blow away in the wind. I want so badly to disappear and to start anew somewhere else where nobody knows me. But I can't forget myself.

So, what happens now? If you know me, I have one favor to ask of you. Please start from the beginning. Wipe my slate clean. I have killed myself. And I am new again.

I want to start it all over. I want to be sober. I want to be sane. And I want to build it all again, anew. There is no yesterday.

140.6

Ok fine. How about this:

I am smiling. I am a rock. I woke up today because the sun was shining. I'm up and out of it now. And I'm here to stay. Hello.

There are strengths in my weakness, and I can exploit them. It's going to happen now.

My teeth are showing. There's music in my heart. Confidence.

And positivity. Most of all positivity. It's not so dark in here anymore. Because I'm always carrying a flashlight with me now.

Spiral Out

I'm the biggest goddamn pessimist you will ever meet. And cynical. Holy God, am I cynical. Tell me anything, give me any piece of good news and I will stomp on it and ruin it and I will make you hurt and cry and I will likely enjoy it. I hate it. I hate it more than you do. My veins pulse with anger, my heart beats hatred. My brain is rage, my mind is always red. I can't do a goddamn thing about it either. I hate it. I hate my insides and I want to pull them out through my head and I want to throw them away and I want to watch them burn. I want to watch it all burn. I know where I'm going, and I know it's not going to be pretty. And what else? I'm goddamn crazy too. Off the deep end insane. I like the taste of Jameson. And I like the way it makes me feel. I could see myself going down that path. And I could see myself chasing myself the whole way down that path, yelling at myself to come back all the while sprinting in the wrong direction. It's what I've done my entire life. There's two of us in here. One is perfection. The other is in control. I am my own battle. I am Adam & Eve & the serpent, and I'm the fucking apple too. I am good vs. evil. It's here. It's inside me. I am plagued, and I don't know what to do. I need to reach over and hit the goddamn reset button. But there is none. But you better believe there's a fucking power off button. I just need to be pushed one more inch and then I can finally reach it.