The Happiest Place On Earth

Tomorrow my tiny child and I leave on a jet plane to go to California. What's in California?, you might ask.

Disneyland

Oh, it's gonna be awesome. Yes, I'm taking my toddler son to Disneyland to meet Mickey and Goofy and to ride Space Mountain. Fun will be had, cotton candy will be eaten, and pictures will be taken.

Best part is I get a week off of work to spend with little baby Coleman, who is my favorite person and the only family I have left. I love this little guy so much.

Fifteen

Shine on forever
Shine on, benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on forever
Shine on, benevolent sun
Shine on upon the severed
Shine until the two become one
Divided, I wither away
Divided, I wither away
Shine down upon the many
Light our way, benevolent sun
Silence leach, and save your poison
Silence leach, and stay out of my way

You don't ask someone who has a bear in a headlock how he's doing. You stand by and let him work his way through it.

Therapy

I like to go out in the cold and I like to turn my music way way up so I can't hear myself breathe and I can't hear my feet hit the ground. Running is repetitive and rhythmic, and I shut my brain off for a little tiny while and for a small part of the day, I am sane. Everything I am is forgotten and left behind and all I have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. I feel stress and anxiety and anger and depression leave my body, escape from my soul. I sweat, and it cleanses me.

I am quickly alone inside my head, and the insanity inside me can't keep up so it leaves me for a few moments, and for this short part of the day my thoughts are rational, logical, and lucid. I think about what I once was and what I could have been and what I am today and what I never will be again. I imagine myself in different places doing different things. I picture myself not as I am, but as I desire to be, and as I have all but given up hope of ever being.

With each passing mile, I am that much further away from myself and from this disease inside me, and I am that much closer to becoming human.

Love Letter To My Subconcious

Dear Ben,

For everything you do, I'd like to swallow you
And everyday I'm gonna blame you
Even if you justify
Every fucking bullshit lie,
It only makes me want to break you

When you repeatedly take advantage of me
The only thought I get of you sickens me
Everybody knows you're fake
You're everything I fucking hate
And I'm everything that you could never be

You pull me down and you crucify my name,
You make me insane
It's broken now,
Don't ever look my way,
Don't even think I'm playing

I fucking hate you
You're such a liar
I'd love to hang you
You're all the same to me

Sincerely,
Ben